Ben Coe

Age: Adult
Association: Patient
Region: Essex
Cancer: Cecal Colon
Written by Sarah Hodges

"It is a story of Love above all else and finding a way to express that love as well as accept it."

My story is one of darkness that is on the path to light.  One of abandonment, discovery and eventually joy. It is a story of pain and suffering but also of shedding ego and finding purpose. It is a story of Love above all else and finding a way to express that love as well as accept it.

At first, I was in a terrible state both mentally and physically. Then through Love if old friends refusing to let me suffer alone and the patience and care of my therapist and my Church I started to feel better mentally.  Regular scans produce confusing results and at first I didn’t want to know anything about my treatment, I realised after a while though that this wasn’t working for me so instead I decided to get as involved as possible in my treatment.  I learnt all I could about the drugs and process involved, I began to tell the doctors and nurses what I wanted rather than wait for them to tell me what I need.

After 2 or so months of treatment I decided, in a lot of despair, to stop treatment, I wanted it to end, I was ready to die. Pretty quickly a large amount of my pain subsided, but more amazingly, a side effect of chemotherapy that had left my hands torn apart and prevented me from playing guitar, something I had been doing for over 20 years. That side effect was gone now, it just didn’t come back, now I am able to play again and the difference it made in helping me climb out of the pit of despair cannot be underestimated. I think it may have saved my life.

Fighting isn’t, in my experience, something you do.  It’s more about avoiding the things you shouldn’t do.  Remaining positive is a case of avoiding being negative, avoid negative people, avoid faces of pity. Find people who want and can just treat you normally. Be part of your treatment, understand if you can what is happening to you, be present and active. Above all else, you need the support and love of others, have only love in your heart and do not be afraid, whatever happens is only temporary, do not fear death, do not fear treatment, do not fear suffering. Your body may feel these things, but your soul does not.